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trentvoyager

Down the Pub

Pastor John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in a pub. He tries to take her home - but they fall and he ends up on top of her.

The landlord says: "Oi, we'll have none of that in here"

The rev says: "No you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps"

The landlord replies: "Oh well if you're that far in - you may as well finish"
Shaker



Superb. That's a keeper  

Slightly reminds me of the local yokel staggering home late one night, pissed out of his tiny mind after another fifteen-pinter in the Dog and Speculum. On the way he runs across the vicar out for his evening constitutional.

"Drunk again, Ted," says the parson with pursed lips.

"Aye, vicar," says Ted, "so am I."
trentvoyager

I went to the local clinic with a rash on my balls. The nurse had a good look and said: "Sir, I'm afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating"

I said "Why?".

She replied: "Because I'm trying to examine you"
trentvoyager

I'm trying to sell my pet python on e-bay.

A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.

I said: "Big? Its bloody massive"

He said: "how many feet?"

I said: "Its a fucking snake"
Shaker

A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night. Her parents were asleep in bed upstairs so she asked him to be quiet. When he said he was desperate to use the bathroom, rather than sending him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead.

A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.

"Have you finished?" she whispered.

"Yeah," he said. "Have you got any paper?"

*

A landlord is just locking up the pub late one night when there's a soft tap at the door. He goes and sees a scruffy, smelly tramp standing there. "What's up?" "Can you spare me a toothpick please, mister?" says the tramp. Well, thinks the landlord, I'm not going to miss that, so he goes and gets a toothpick from behind the bar and hands it to the tramp, who thanks him and walks off. A few minutes later there's a knock at the door and the landlord unlocks it to find another tramp. "Could you see your way clear to giving me a toothpick please, sir?" Mystified, the landlord goes and gets a second toothpick and gives it to the second tramp, who thanks him and disappears.

A few minutes later, just as the landlord is about to go upstairs to retire for the night, there's another knock at the door. Sighing, he unlocks the door and there's a third tramp on the doorstep. Annoyed, he says, "Let me guess - you want a toothpick, right?"

"No, sir, no - a straw if you can spare me one, please, sir."

Baffled, he turns round and grabs a single straw from a pot on the bar and hands it to the third tramp. "You're a gentleman, sir," says the tramp.

"You know," says the landlord, "you're the third tr- ... gentleman of the road I've seen tonight, only the other two asked for a toothpick. What's going on?"

"Well, you see, sir," says the tramp, "somebody's been sick on the pavement just down the road. I would have asked for a toothpick as well but the good stuff has already gone."
bnabernard

           

Ah that was just the tonic I needed, thanks lads keep 'em comming.

bernard (hug)

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