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Dumb blondes

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road.

The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redhead 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redhead 3, and the brunette 3.5.

The manager decides to talk to the blonde. "You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day. What's the problem?"

"I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"

# A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

# A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

# A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

# A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

# A blond coyote got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.

# A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

# What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? She peed on her corn flakes.

# What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios? "Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, its a Ferrari."

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?" She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the
gentleman where he was going. He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor? The lady responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon, "he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Tesco's?"

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

A lady boards a plane and sits down in a first class seat even though she only had an economy ticket. The stewardess notices this and asks the lady to move. She replies "I'm young, blonde and staying here until New York". The stewardess is dumbfounded and tells one of the other stewardesses', who goes straight to the lady and asks her to move. Again the lady replies "I'm young, blonde and staying here until New York". All the stewardess' are at a loss so they tell the flight manager. He asks the lady to move but she just repeats...."I'm young, blonde and staying here until New York". The flight manager storms into to tell the Captain about the annoying blonde "Blonde is she?" says the Captain "leave this with me". He strides up to the lady and whispers in her ear. The blonde jumps up thanks the captain and takes her economy seat. The crew are amazed and beg the captain to tell them what he whispered. "I told her first class doesn't go to New York"

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!" Forum Index -> Jokes
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