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Pukon_the_Treen

Kiss Hank's Ass

Kiss Hank's Ass
By James Huber



This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first.

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.

John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.

John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears:

Mary: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her.

John: "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

The end
Leonard James

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

That's just as plausible as the story it parodies, Puke!  :twisted:
SusanDoris

Leonard James wrote:
:lol: †:lol: †:lol: †:lol: †:lol: †:lol:

That's just as plausible as the story it parodies, Puke! †:twisted:

Ditto!! It should geta wider audience.
Silver

The return of John.

A knock at the door and I answered. John had returned and was there on his own this time.

John: Weíve decided to give you a second chance by telling you about Heysoos.  If you do as he says, heíll look after you.

Me: Whoís Heysoos?

John: Heís Hankís son. If you butter Heysoos up, heíll put a word in with his dad and you wonít get the shit kicked out of you.

Me: Why should I follow this Heysoos?

John: Because he went to visit his father for you!

Me: What?

John: Long ago, Hank kicked the shit out of everyone but one day he decided that maybe heíd let some off for good behaviour so he sent his son Heysoos to visit us.

Me: Youíve seen this Heysoos?

John: No. No one has but we have lots of stories about him. He has done some amazing things.

Me: Has anyone seen him do these amazing things?

John: We have all these amazing stories about him from people who did.

Me: Can I speak to some of them?

John: No. All the people who saw Heysoos are long dead.

Me: But how do I know they saw him?

John: Because we have all these amazing stories they wrote about him long ago.

Me: How do I know they are telling the truth?

John: Because they are followers of Heysoos so they wouldnít lie to you or make up stories.

Me: How do you know this?

John: Because it is written down in the stories. No one could have made up such stories.

Me: Yes they could.

John. Youíre speaking blasphemy again. Heysoos went and visited his father for you.

Me: So what?

John: But he took the long way around. Instead of going straight there, he was forced to take the long way around.

Me: So what?

John: He was there for 3 days with his dad before returning.

Me: Is that hard work, seeing your father?

John: It was for Heysoos. Now if you butter up Heysoos, heíll put in a good word with Hank for you and Hank wonít kick the shit out of you.

Me: How do I butter up Heysoos.

John: You get on your knees and grovel to him a lot.

Me: So I get to see Heysoos?

John: No, heís like his father. He doesnít like being seen. Just imagine heís there when you grovel.

Me: How do I know Heysoos will put in a good word for me?

John: Because Heysoos said so. Itís all in his stories.

Me: Has anyone you know had Heysoos put in a good word for him?

John: No, but itís all in the stories so it must be true.

Me: So I bow and scrape to this Heysoos who may not even exist so heíll put in a good word with Hank who may not exist, so he wonít kick the shit out of me?

Nod. Nod.

Me: Do you know anyone who has had the shit kicked out of them by Hank?

John: Of course not. They have left town and Hankís been waiting there for them. Heysoos has been there too, pointing the miscreants out who would not butter him up.

Me: This all sounds very vague to me.

John: Donít worry. I speak to Heysoos every night and if I put in a good word for you, youíll be OK.

Me: Youíll put in a good word for me?

John: Of course I will. You just have to come across with ten pounds in folding currency each week and Iíll make sure that Hank doesnít kick the shit out of you.

Me: The old protection racket, eh? Thatís it my son. Iím a copper and youíre nicked! If youíll accompany me down to the old Nick, me and my mates will kick the shit out of you now. This is one kicking you will not have to take on faith or go out of town for.
northernstar

 Smilie_PDT  :lol:  :wink:

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