Legal talkComments Allegedly made in the heat of legal proceedings:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honourable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'
Questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials
Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness: No, I'm divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about
Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: Before or after she died?
Lawyer: What is your name?
Witness: Earnest McDowell
Lawyer: And what is your marital status?
Witness: Could be better
Lawyer: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Witness: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Lawyer: Officer, who provided this description?
Witness: The officer who responded to the scene.
Lawyer: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Witness: Yes sir, with my life.
Lawyer: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
Witness: Yes sir, we do.
Lawyer: And do you have a locker in that room?
Witness: Yes sir, I do.
Lawyer: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Witness: Yes sir.
Lawyer: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
Witness: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Lawyer: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?
Witness: Approximately one-half mile.
Lawyer: Can you see clearly for one-half mile?
Lawyer: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident that is occurring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!
Witness: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?