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Legal talk

Comments Allegedly made in the heat of legal proceedings:

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honourable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials

Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness:  Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness:  Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness:  None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness:  Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness:  I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness:  By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
Witness:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Witness:  *********

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness:  Oral.

Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness:  No, I'm divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness:  A lot of things I didn't know about

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
Witness:  Yes, sir.
Lawyer:  Before or after she died?
Witness:  ********

Lawyer:  What is your name?
Witness:  Earnest McDowell
Lawyer:  And what is your marital status?
Witness:  Could be better

Lawyer:  Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Witness:  No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Lawyer:  Officer, who provided this description?
Witness:  The officer who responded to the scene.
Lawyer:  A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Witness:  Yes sir, with my life.
Lawyer:  With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
Witness:  Yes sir, we do.
Lawyer:  And do you have a locker in that room?
Witness:  Yes sir, I do.
Lawyer:  And do you have a lock on your locker?
Witness:  Yes sir.

Lawyer:  Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
Witness:  You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Lawyer:  Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?
Witness:  Approximately one-half mile.
Lawyer:  Can you see clearly for one-half mile?
Witness:  Yes.
Lawyer:  Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident that is occurring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!
Witness:  Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.

Lawyer:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Lawyer:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness:  No.
Lawyer:  Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness:  No.
Lawyer:  Did you check for breathing?
Witness:  No.
Lawyer:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness:  No.
Lawyer:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Lawyer:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Lawyer:  This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
Witness:  Yes.
Lawyer:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness:  I forget.
Lawyer:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Forum Index -> Jokes
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