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Shaker

Old people's home

In an old people's home an old man comes tottering up on his Zimmer frame to an old lady in a wheelchair.

"How old do you think I am, eh? Eh?"

The old lady leans over, unzips his flies, sticks her hand into his trousers and starts massaging his tackle. "Eighty-nine and a half," she says.

"That's spot on! Exactly ... and you can tell that just from holding my meat and two veg?"

"No. You told me yesterday."

Dave B

On a less sexual theme:

The vicar is visiting his oldest parishioner, Mrs Jones, who is 98 - but still able to look after herself.

Having made a pot of tea the vicar poses the question he always dislikes asking, "Mrs Jones, have you thought about the 'hereafter'?"

"Oh, yes," replies the venerable lady.

"How often does it come to mind?" queries the vicar.

"Oh, every day, sometimes twice a day."

The vicar is now concerned that Mrs Jones is getting morbid about the ultimate fate. "Under what circumstances does it come to mind then?" he asks.

"Well, I get to the top of the stairs and think to myself, 'now, what am I here after?' "


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