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The other day I came out of the chip shop eating a large cod, pickled egg, battered sausage, potato fritter, curry sauce and large chips. There was a tramp sitting in the gutter outside who said that he hadn't had a thing to eat in days. I said blimey, I wish I had your will power.


Paddy dials 999 for an ambulance after his mate Michael gets knocked down by a car. "Whereabouts are you?" says the operator. "29 Eucalyptus Avenue," says Paddy. "And can you spell that for me, please?" says the operator.

The line goes silent for five minutes.

Paddy returns.

"Sorry about that, miss! I've just dragged him round to Oak Road. That's O, A, K ..."


Some idiot keeps ringing me and singing Stand and Deliver and Prince Charming down the phone at me. I keep telling him to get lost but he's adamant.

(Sorry )


A bloke takes his mate back to his brand-new flat to show it off. A few hours later, after a few beers, his mate points to a huge brass gong on the landing and says "What the hell's that for?"

"Ohhhhh, that. That's my speaking clock."


"Watch." And he takes a hammer and wallops the gong as hard as he can, making the house shake. Immediately the next-door neighbour starts banging on the wall, shouting "You bastard, don't you know it's ten past one in the morning?"


Breaking news: Hertfordshire police have just issued a statement to say that they've re-arrested Gary Glitter this evening on a variety of charges including drug offences and further offences against children. They found class A in the kitchen, class B in the living room and class 5C in the bedroom.


I went to see my friend's new baby the other say. She asked me if I wanted to wind it. I thought that seemed a bit harsh, so I just slapped it around a bit and gave it a dead leg.

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