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A real groaner....

 
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Jim
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Joined: 15 Jun 2011
Posts: 4842


Location: South West Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:05 am    Post subject: A real groaner....  Reply with quote

Found this when clearing out my old emails - you've probably seen it before and it doesn't improve with age.


Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
 
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this...............................)
..

..

..

..

..
..
..

"I've found Cod;

I'm a Prawn again, Kristian"
_________________
Christians accept One God, Triune in nature.
SAOR ALBA GU BRATH!
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Jim
Senior Community Member


Joined: 15 Jun 2011
Posts: 4842


Location: South West Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:14 am    Post subject: New year's message... Reply with quote

A missive from my archive.....

As I look past to the year 2013, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena  will grant my every wish .

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.




AND LASTLY, I keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A WONDERFUL DAY………….AND A HEALTHY LIFE…………….
_________________
Christians accept One God, Triune in nature.
SAOR ALBA GU BRATH!
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Shaker
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Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 8694



PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm having problems at the moment with my Thai wife.

These days she's just not the man she used to be.

*  

My doctor has just told me that I'm colour blind.

It hit me like a bolt from the green.

*

China - fake Viagra, fake watches, fake designer gear, fake iPads, fake handbags, fake trainers, pirated DVDs. And we're supposed to believe they landed on the moon?

*

Last time I went to the job centre the staff made fun of my dyslexia.

Believe you me, I'll be writing a very strangely wormed litter to their hood orifice.

*

"So you're able to carry shopping to a customer's car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.

"Yes," he replied.

I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"

He said, "Sure."

As we walked across the car park I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."

"I knew that already," he replied. "Here's your KitKat."

*
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Jim
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Joined: 15 Jun 2011
Posts: 4842


Location: South West Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

                               Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
                               Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
                               A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

                               "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
                               Bob brings his wife in.

                               An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
                               With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
                               After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
                               The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
                               Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
                               Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
                               He bursts in and shouts to his master:
                               "Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


                               (I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
                               You might even consider changing your e-mail address now!!!!
                                         
                               What did you expect....it's free from a demented friend on the Internet.
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SAOR ALBA GU BRATH!
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Shaker
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Posts: 8694



PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My mum just said to me, "Son, I think you're losing your mind."

"What makes you say that mum"? I replied.

"I died four years ago."
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Jim
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Joined: 15 Jun 2011
Posts: 4842


Location: South West Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three Holy Men & a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee
and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts,
and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,
he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't
sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus.  Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him..
He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


_________________
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SAOR ALBA GU BRATH!
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